Archives For bologna

I lie to my kids.  I do it for fun.  It’s cheap entertainment.

Tonight’s episode was a personal triumph.

Amy and Seth and I helped lead worship for a Living Hope Church retreat last night and all day today.  By the time I got home, I laid down for a 10 minute snooze that turned into a two hour plunge into REM state.  I was exhausted, and I needed the rest.  Amy and I agreed that tonight was one of those rare times when we were HUNGRY for real food and lacked ANY DESIRE whatsoever to cook.

So I loaded up the boys in the van to pick them up some tasty 99 cent chicken nuggets and sandwiches from Wendy’s (don’t judge me), and proceeded to pull out my cell phone to call the a local steakhouse to order a tasty rib-eye for Amy and myself (don’t judge me… you’ve done this, too… you know you have.  Or if you hadn’t thought of it before, you’re now doing a silent fist-pump of thanksgiving, and you will commit a similar act of culinary inequity soon.  You know you will.)

“Who ya calling dad?”

In a moment of brilliance, the idea simultaneously was birthed in my brain and came out my face in a smooth flow, with that perfect blend of assurance and non-chalance that is needed to convince a van load of rowdy boys that the bologna you are selling them is trustworthy.  In a flash, a new hi-tech food delivery enterprise was born.  Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you:  1-800-GET-BEEF.

Me:  “They’ve got this network set up across the country… They’re everywhere.  They guarantee a fresh, grilled-to-order steak, ready for pickup within three miles of your current location anywhere in the Continental United States – cooked and ready to go in 12 minutes.”

Boys:  (pause)  “Really?”

Me:  “Yup.”

Boys:  (longer pause)  “That’s AWESOME!”

Yes it is.  It is SO awesome.  Who doesn’t want a freshly grilled steak available at a moment’s notice?  Unless you’re vegan, this idea is pure grade-A awesome sauce with a side of extra tasty goodness.  Of course it is patently absurd, and logistically impossible, but let’s not let reality tamper with my sweet moment of victory…

Boys:  “Wait… Dad?  How do they know where to send it?”

Me:  “Uh… GPS.  They track your cell phone call and send your steak to the nearest drop point.  It’s pretty cool, really.”

Boys:  (pause)  “AWESOME!”

Dude.  They are buying this.  I’m a horrible father.  And yet…  I’m enjoying myself immensely.  No need to wrestle with those lingering pangs of conscience.  That would just bring me down, man.  Let me savor this sweet sweet tangled web of lies.

As I pulled into the  into the busy parking lot of a local supper club, the boys pause their ruckus in the back of the van to ask, “What are we doing here?”

Me:  “Oh… this is the local drop point for this area for 1-800-GET-BEEF.  They’re all over the place.  It should be ready by now.”

In amazement they watched me return to the van with a freshly grilled steak, Medium, baked potato, and side salad.  As the smell of the hot, savory rib-eye filled the van on the ride home, I got to enjoy my two eldest sons discussing ways to beat the system.  After all, if 1-800-GET-BEEF “guarantees” local delivery within 12 minutes, there must be some way to finagle some free steak…

“We should, like, go hiking in the mountains, and once we’re WAY up the trail, call 1-800-GET-BEEF.  Yeah.  There’s NO WAY they’ll make it to us in 12 minutes…

While I can’t argue that logic, I fail to see how this plan would actually work in the real world.  Are you going to hike cross country to pick up your steak at the nearest drop zone?  Three miles is a long trek through the brush on a mountainside, after all.  And wouldn’t it cost you more than the price of the steak itself to equip yourself at the local REI in backpacking gear?  They clearly haven’t thought this plan through.

As Amy and I sat at our table tonight, savoring a delicious meal which we did not cook, I smiled to myself with each bite.  Sure, I lie to my kids.  It’s just rare that they all fall for it in one fell swoop.  Or in this case, medium…

I’m not sure just when they’ll figure out that I’m full of beans.  In the long run, this probably won’t help my case in arguing for the reality of the Tooth Fairy,  but I refuse to back down.

In any case, tonight’s deception worked so well, I may just run with the theme.  This is America, after all.  Home of capitalism, the unfettered entrepreneurial spirit, and consumer-driven ingenuity. 

Surely there is a market for 1-800-MY-BACON?

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“i lie to children :: pride cometh before the beef” by Joshua Skogerboe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

“Joshua, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile.  It turns out you’re more special than any of us imagined!”

Yeah baby!  THAT’S the way to start a letter!  Alright, mystery guy who sent me a personal letter just to me, for me only.  You had me at hello.  What’s the deal?  Why am I receiving this 8 page single spaced invitation to join your secret society?  Could it be that my entire life is going to be bigger and better from this point on?  Could this be the BEST DAY of my life??

“Down deep, you sense it, too.  Right?  I’m so excited for you!”

Apparently, there’s this (shhhh…) “Secret Society” that handpicks it’s members.  Special people with exceptional qualities that you don’t possess.  But I guess, I do!  As this letter was personally signed by “John,” I’m pretty sure sure it’s legit.  Otherwise I may have stopped reading after the first paragraph… but this just seems too legit to quit!

“By the way, as you read this, you may be saying to yourself that this is all just a bunch of hooey.  But I swear on the Bible we will send you our greatest kept secrets free of charge.”

Alright.  That seals it.  You swore on the Bible.  This is the best ever.

“Like me, the day you receive this secret package, Joshua, will be the luckiest day of your life!  It will be the most important event that will ever happen to you.”

I’m going crazy right now.  I thought the luckiest day of my life was the day Amy agreed to marry me… or maybe my wedding day.  She actually said “I do!”  I know!  What was she thinking?  THAT was lucky.  I thought the most important event in my life was the day Jesus Christ wrote my name in His Book of Life, securing my identity in His family and giving me hope and a purpose for eternity.  But apparently, this secret package I’m going to receive is going to top that.  * insert maniacal laughter here… *

“Does this sound too good to be true?  WELL… IT IS TRUE!!”

I told you.  Capital letters and TWO exclamation points.  John is not messing around.  He’s sincere.  This is real.

“Be honest: have you ever felt like God or some higher power may be communicating with you, giving you a sign?  IF you answered yes, and we know you did, then you are indeed that special person we are looking for.  And this is your calling.  It’s as simple as that.”

OK… now I’m a little confused.  Yes, I talk with God all the time.  I thought I was called to be the best husband and dad I can be.  And recently I felt His clear guidance to enter Seminary.  I thought THAT was my calling.  But John says I’m supposed to join this secret society.  “It’s as simple as that.”  Whaddayagonnado?

OK, John, I’m ready.  Because of this awe-inspiring letter, I’m ready to chuck my common sense and thousands of years of Biblical wisdom under the bus for your mysterious secret club.  Just tell me I’ll be able to acheive supernatural powers to gain wealth and manipulate those around me…

“Learn how to transfer all money, power, prestige from the uninformed to you… instantly.”

Good.  Good.  Go on…

“Learn how to control anyone, man or woman, anywhere.”

Ooooo.  Anyone?  What are the romantic implications here?

“Learn how to win any lover in any situation.  All the women you’ve ever wanted can come to you easily, effortlessly, and automatically.”

Wait.  All the women I want?  Well, I already have that.  Her name is Amy.  So that’s a wash.  But the rest of this sounds so awesome… almost spiritual.  Like there’s an invisible spiritual force available to me… if I just let go of this God stuff I’ve built my life upon.  Up until now.  Check THIS out!

“Learn how to make your new powers render all others helpless.”

Yessss.  I like.  More.  MORE!

“Learn how to be constantly and invisibly armed so that any person trying deception or cheating ploys against you instantly becomes powerless and at your mercy.”

Oh I like that “at your mercy” part.  I’ll be FILLED with another power… greater than me… I won’t even have to THINK about it.  This isn’t creepy at all!

“With the simple, easy to apply techniques, you’ll be virtually on auto-pilot.  Your new powers will be used unconsciously and effortlessly!”

C’mon people!  Surely you can see the allure here.  Before I knew I had been chosen to lord my new powers over you, I might have said that what brings meaning to life is a rich, interactive relationship with God, meaningful work, and deep thriving relationships with family and friends.  Thank goodness I received this letter.  It’s all about money, power, and romantic love, baby!

I’m going to gain the whole world…


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“why i don’t need god anymore :: the greatest letter of all time” by Joshua Skogerboe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.