why i don’t need God anymore :: the greatest letter of all time

July 15, 2010

“Joshua, please forgive us, but we have just taken a closer look at your profile.  It turns out you’re more special than any of us imagined!”

Yeah baby!  THAT’S the way to start a letter!  Alright, mystery guy who sent me a personal letter just to me, for me only.  You had me at hello.  What’s the deal?  Why am I receiving this 8 page single spaced invitation to join your secret society?  Could it be that my entire life is going to be bigger and better from this point on?  Could this be the BEST DAY of my life??

“Down deep, you sense it, too.  Right?  I’m so excited for you!”

Apparently, there’s this (shhhh…) “Secret Society” that handpicks it’s members.  Special people with exceptional qualities that you don’t possess.  But I guess, I do!  As this letter was personally signed by “John,” I’m pretty sure sure it’s legit.  Otherwise I may have stopped reading after the first paragraph… but this just seems too legit to quit!

“By the way, as you read this, you may be saying to yourself that this is all just a bunch of hooey.  But I swear on the Bible we will send you our greatest kept secrets free of charge.”

Alright.  That seals it.  You swore on the Bible.  This is the best ever.

“Like me, the day you receive this secret package, Joshua, will be the luckiest day of your life!  It will be the most important event that will ever happen to you.”

I’m going crazy right now.  I thought the luckiest day of my life was the day Amy agreed to marry me… or maybe my wedding day.  She actually said “I do!”  I know!  What was she thinking?  THAT was lucky.  I thought the most important event in my life was the day Jesus Christ wrote my name in His Book of Life, securing my identity in His family and giving me hope and a purpose for eternity.  But apparently, this secret package I’m going to receive is going to top that.  * insert maniacal laughter here… *

“Does this sound too good to be true?  WELL… IT IS TRUE!!”

I told you.  Capital letters and TWO exclamation points.  John is not messing around.  He’s sincere.  This is real.

“Be honest: have you ever felt like God or some higher power may be communicating with you, giving you a sign?  IF you answered yes, and we know you did, then you are indeed that special person we are looking for.  And this is your calling.  It’s as simple as that.”

OK… now I’m a little confused.  Yes, I talk with God all the time.  I thought I was called to be the best husband and dad I can be.  And recently I felt His clear guidance to enter Seminary.  I thought THAT was my calling.  But John says I’m supposed to join this secret society.  “It’s as simple as that.”  Whaddayagonnado?

OK, John, I’m ready.  Because of this awe-inspiring letter, I’m ready to chuck my common sense and thousands of years of Biblical wisdom under the bus for your mysterious secret club.  Just tell me I’ll be able to acheive supernatural powers to gain wealth and manipulate those around me…

“Learn how to transfer all money, power, prestige from the uninformed to you… instantly.”

Good.  Good.  Go on…

“Learn how to control anyone, man or woman, anywhere.”

Ooooo.  Anyone?  What are the romantic implications here?

“Learn how to win any lover in any situation.  All the women you’ve ever wanted can come to you easily, effortlessly, and automatically.”

Wait.  All the women I want?  Well, I already have that.  Her name is Amy.  So that’s a wash.  But the rest of this sounds so awesome… almost spiritual.  Like there’s an invisible spiritual force available to me… if I just let go of this God stuff I’ve built my life upon.  Up until now.  Check THIS out!

“Learn how to make your new powers render all others helpless.”

Yessss.  I like.  More.  MORE!

“Learn how to be constantly and invisibly armed so that any person trying deception or cheating ploys against you instantly becomes powerless and at your mercy.”

Oh I like that “at your mercy” part.  I’ll be FILLED with another power… greater than me… I won’t even have to THINK about it.  This isn’t creepy at all!

“With the simple, easy to apply techniques, you’ll be virtually on auto-pilot.  Your new powers will be used unconsciously and effortlessly!”

C’mon people!  Surely you can see the allure here.  Before I knew I had been chosen to lord my new powers over you, I might have said that what brings meaning to life is a rich, interactive relationship with God, meaningful work, and deep thriving relationships with family and friends.  Thank goodness I received this letter.  It’s all about money, power, and romantic love, baby!

I’m going to gain the whole world…

    

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“why i don’t need god anymore :: the greatest letter of all time” by Joshua Skogerboe is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

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Psalm 24:7 & Luke 10:42 >> Like David, and Mary, I'm in pursuit of my one thing. I'm the Pastor at St. Olaf Lutheran Church in Montgomery, IL. Pastor, teacher, writer, communicator, designer, and drummer. I definitely got the better deal in my marriage to Amy. And I couldn't be any more proud of my five amazing boys. Deeply grateful.

7 responses to why i don’t need God anymore :: the greatest letter of all time

  1. You lucky guy – British mail is never as exciting as this!

    What are you thinking…Scientology???

  2. I love that you tagged this post with bologna. Why didn’t I get a copy? I’m jealous, but that’s part of your master plan… isn’t it Josh? To make the whole world jealous of your awesomeness?

    • Yes. Bask in my glory. Muuuaaahahahahahahaha!

      Nice work, by the way, eagle eye. I had to add “bologna” as a new tag just for this post. Seemed appropriate. 🙂

  3. This ROCKED!! Josh, I LOL’ed. Seriously! Of course, I’m also DYING to know what this amazing Secret Society is – because, of course, I AM just as amazing as YOU are, Brother of mine! ;)So… my question is: why did YOU get it – and I didn’t?! 🙁

    Thanks for the smiles!
    G.

    • Glad to make you smile Gretch. I’ve never in all my days received a piece of spam so outrageous. It was worthy of mockery, to be sure. Good times.

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